


Monster, Not A Monster

by Lizzrd



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-08 23:42:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3227915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzrd/pseuds/Lizzrd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla's inner thoughts at some point after her secret has been discovered but before the big fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster, Not A Monster

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time in a VERY long time I've posted something I've written. Its more like a warm up for attempting a larger story. Feed back and constructive criticism are welcome and will be taken with a grain of salt ;) I've tried to avoid putting this in too specific of a timeline, just somewhere closer to the end of the series.

I’ve been here before. The game was always the same; a pretty girl, a lonely girl. A girl in need. And me, the hero, come to give companionship and hope.  
It was easy, too easy, for a very long time. I can’t say I enjoyed guiding girls to Mother but at the same time it wasn’t hardship. 

Not until Elle. 

For the first time there was a spark in what was left of my soul, a guiding light. Elle was everything that was good in this world; she made me want to be a hero, be better than I really was. At the time I believed she could save me. Then Mother found out. And the spark was gone, snuffed out before it could truly begin to shine. 

The years spent in my dark prison under the ground were the only time I truly desired death. At first, I screamed until my voice was gone and then kept screaming until I’m sure I tore my throat. The absolute silence was intolerable, not even my own heartbeat to distract from memories. Soon those memories twisted and became my reality, and in those phantom visions I could save Elle, we could run away and be happy together. Sometimes we returned to my birth home, sometimes we sailed to new lands, sometimes we stayed locked in Elle’s room with the door blocked and the drapes pulled over the glass; just us in our own little world.

By the time the bombs fell and freed me even those happy images had faded and all I was left with was Elle, neck torn open by my own fangs, blood covering her beautiful ball gown, begging me to tell her why. Why would I betray her? Why would I pretend to be her friend? Why?

I never had an answer.

Mother finding me was an unfortunate happenstance, if I had been thinking clearly I would have run into the wilds, lived as a nomad. Mother’s love for metropolitan cities with glorious balls and filled with innocents was not unknown to me. Truly if I hadn’t wanted to be found I knew how to avoid her. Possibly I did wish to return to her, she is not a bad mother, a monster yes but so am I. In her own way she cared for me, she had saved me from the veil of death, raised me and taught me to feed without bringing down the pitchforks and flames of peasants. If the price of living in the shade of her love was to be bait, well, I’ve made worse dealings in my long life. 

But now circumstances have changed. What I thought was to be another bait and switch; chasing little girl’s home to the comfort of their parents, is not to be. Laura is different; she does not fall for the usual attraction or sense a predator and run. Her scent is different. Blood has changed in the last century, preservatives and hormones tainting its purity and taste to a mere shadow of what it once was. Its as if I have fallen from eating at the table with the queen to slop from a farmer. God knows Laura’s constant consumption of cookies and that purple sludge should have me grimacing just being the same room, yet she smells almost of home. It’s been so long since I felt safe and settled in a place but that tiny cupboard of a room is the most peaceful place I have felt since…

Elle. 

This is why I cannot let Mother have her, I will not! Circumstances are different than they were with Elle; humiliating kidnapping aside Laura seems to be unafraid of the monster. The ginger twits are more concerned but not eating my roommate seems to pacify them, Clifford the giant red dog notwithstanding. They cannot stop my Mother but I believe they could save themselves and Laura from her. All I need is to instill a healthy fear of things that go bump in the night in Laura and the short haired ginger and they should live long passed this sacrifice; when the time comes again they will have moved on, made families and settled far away from this place. 

This is all I can do, Mother is powerful and determined and I cannot stop her. To try would spell death for Laura and myself. I am not a hero, that was proven with Elle, but maybe with Laura I do not have to be a monster either.


End file.
